We interrupt this vacation for an emotional breakdown.

Does anyone else ever feel like their life is not actually happening to them? Like nothing is real.  Like you're just watching it all happen in a movie or reading about it in a book?  Do you ever feel this disconnected from your own experiences?
I think that, in a lot of ways, I have felt this way my whole life.  But since the moment of my diagnosis, that disconnection has gotten so much more consuming.  So much stronger.  So much worse.  And it hasn't gone away.  Not even in beautiful Italia.
During this trip, this once in a lifetime trip, I have felt like a lot of the time it isn't even me that's here.  Like I'm just one of the numbers on the blog counter scrolling up and up and up, just reading about it.  And feeling that way makes me feel like I am somehow failing my parents, who put so much money and so much time and thought into making this happen for me.  I feel guilty for not having the mental functionality to plan things and make decisions, let alone read maps!  I feel like my brain is constantly LYING.  I don't know how to function on a vacation during regular  circumstances, let alone when all I am REALLY thinking about is cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer.  I don't know how to make this trip be what it's supposed to be when I can't get my head around much of anything at all.  
And that isn't to say that I'm not enjoying myself immensely, because I have loved almost every moment of it.  But there are definitely issues when traveling, especially for this long.  And I feel overwhelmed by guilt and sadness when it seems that my inability to be a leader, to make a decision, to figure out a plan... When these things cause upset for my mum and my sister, I get so angry and upset with myself, even when/if it's not necessarily my fault, that I have moments of understanding why cutters cut.  
In a lot of ways, I wish we were on our way home right now.  But then home just means PET scan and dealing with whatever the outcome of that is.  Trapped (on an island, no less) with no good solution one way or the other.  
And all the while, it doesn't seem real...

Comments

Michelle Auer said…
I remember writing something very similar to your first paragraph several time in my own journals over the years. Sometimes when I tell stories of some of the things I've done, people I've met etc, I almost feel like I'm making it up, even though I know it is true, because I can't believe it even though I lived it. I think it stems from a general feeling of worthlessness or self worth. I had a lot of low self esteem issues growing up, and when my life started to blossom and things that were really amazing did happen, I always expected the worst, expected it to blow up, to get the worst case scenario, etc etc... and when it comes to my health, any time I'm waiting on test results, I always expect the very worst. Even when I am trying my hardest to be positive and keep it together, and be strong.
What helps is that I remind myself that I am not unworthy of love or of loving myself, and it is OK to allow myself to hope for good things to happen. It is the most challenging thing ever.
I know this is nowhere near dealing with Cancer, but I've been having similar moments of fear and waiting with this baby. I'm older, I wasn't even supposed to be able to get pregnant, and now, it feels like my dreams are coming true, and I'm waiting for my test results to hear that everything is normal, my baby doesn't have Downs or something worse, that everything is going to work out. And it is almost as though I can't allow myself to be truly excited about it, or all of the amazing stuff happening, until I know those answers.
I guess all I'm saying is that you are not alone. I bet a lot of people don't feel like they are actively participating in their own lives, especially with everything you have weighing on your mind. It's easy to feel a bit detached.
Just remember, no one expects you to do or be anything for them other than be you, and be loved. Take care of you and give yourself permission to enjoy yourself. You deserve it! xoxox

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