Italy: Day Eight

I can't believe I've been here for a week already...
And I'm going to start today's post with my first real gripe about this trip...
You know how American teenagers seem generally like way bigger assholes than we were when we were teenagers? Like, how there is a significant lack of respect for anyone else, especially elders, a massively increased whorishness, and just an overwhelming sense of "yeah, fuck you - I don't care about a god damned thing"? Well, if that bothers you... Don't come to Europe. The teens here... Holy hell! I want to stab each and every single one we have encountered in the throat with an boning knife. They are miserable, skanky, rude, tacky, loud, and in every other way imaginable - genuinely awful. And I hate them. All of them. And now, back to the positivity...
I avoided the hotel breakfast today and just made my own tasty snack in the room with out groceries. And then we were off to the Pitti Palace and Boboli Gardens, which came highly recommended by my friends, The Mays. There were a variety of different tickets available, so we chose the one that included the gardens and the Costume Gallery in the Pitti Palace. We are sort of arted out at this point, so didn't really care about seeing more frescoes and marble nudity and whatnot. The costume gallery was awesome, though. It was really all over the place, time-wise, but there were definitely a few dresses I would have added to my closet given the opportunity.
And then we went out into the gardens. Even though it was a bit early for flowers, the gardens were still just beautiful. Although the Italians have a weird thing for cutting all the leaves off their trees that I just don't get. We wandered around and checked out as much as we could handle, took a lot of photos, and then snuck out the back gate... And proceeded to get ten kinds of lost on the south side of the river. Finally we stopped and asked an adorable pregnant lady where on the map we were - and it was like waaaaaay far away from where we thought we were. With her help, we managed to get back to where we could get our bearings (right as I was about to have a major panic attack). We looked up and saw Dante's Pizzaria, and figured it was a good place to get some lunch. And boy, we're we right and am I glad we got lost and found our way there - because it was the best pizza I have ever had. Seriously incredible! And our waiter looked like a sexy Italian version of my neighbor, Joe. Which was weird.
Full of pizza, we headed back over the Arno and I decided I was going back to the Farmaceutica di Santa Maria Novella to buy that perfume!!! So we got there, and I asked for the perfume and a bar of soap, and it turned out the fragrance I loved was not a perfume you spray on yourself, but one you spray onto little cards and then put them in your pockets or clothing drawers to make your wardrobe, not yourself, smell lovely. But whatever. I loved it so much, I bought it regardless.
We then decided to visit the Cappelle Medicee, which was the private chapel of the Medici family and where they are now buried in these absurd tombs. It was impressive but not terribly interesting. I think I am getting churched out. At this point, I was completely wrecked, even though it was only like 3pm. We came back to the hotel, and now, four hours later, here I sit. I'm debating going back out to wander around a bit, but I may just crash it out for the night. I am really pretty exhausted today.
Speaking of which, I suppose I should include something of a "health" update while I am here. Overall, I am feeling pretty good. I have stomach aches pretty much daily, but that may just be all the ridiculously rich food and constant consumption of coffee and/or wine. The worst thing going on is, quite honestly, everything surrounding the treatment areas. First of all, the hair I lost down below chose NOW to start returning to life... Which unfortunately comes with a friggin forest of ingrown hairs. Ugh. Then there is the standard vacation constipation, which is even more horrific for me because of the fact that my vagina is not the only thing that seems to have shrunk during treatment. Pooping in a non-vacation situation lately has been hellish, but now it is almost cripplingly painful. I'm not sure how to deal with it, so I'm just trying not to let it get to me. Aside from all that, though, I still feel pretty damn good. I am amazed that all this walking is not COMPLETELY destroying me. I actually feel, for the most part, quite good. The few pictures I've seen of myself on this trip, I look good. Healthy. Not fat! Of course, who knows if that will last, as I am completely addicted to these cookies we got at the supermarket here called Pan di Stelle, which Wendy is just referring to as "porn stars".
Other than that, all I can say is I am thrilled to be here. Looking forward to our Tuscany bus tour tomorrow. I miss Ryan. And my dogs. And I am excited to get back to Cleveland when we are done here.
OH! I almost forgot... I've been meaning to share the list my friend Lacey gave me of stuff she expected me to do while in Italy. It is hilarious and sweet and I'm sure she won't care if I share it - especially as I am sharing it so that I can check off the items I have completed on said list:
1.    Do something topless. I know this isn't France but I'm sure there's somewhere you can do something topless. Europeans are weird. All of them. Are Italians considered Europeans? I just made myself feel dumb. NOT YET... UNLESS YOU COUNT SHOWEREING, WHICH I HAVE DONE NOT ONLYBTOPLESS, BUT BOTTOMLESS AS WELL!
2.    Find fresh mozzarella and eat it, preferably with a tomato. If you're one of those jerks that doesn't eat tomatoes, START. And then text me and rub it in my face. COMPLETED. AT LEAST THE MOZZAARELLA PART. I WILL NOT EAT A TOMATO. EVER. AND I WAS UNIMPRESSED BY THE FRESH MOZZARELLA, WHICH HAS NO TASTE AT ALL.
3.    Take an inappropriate picture with a naked statue. Male, female, I'm not picky. COMPLETED TODAY! I GROPED A STATUE IN THE BOBOLI GARDENS, BUT MY MOTHER SAID IT DIDN'T COUNT BECAUSES HE WAS HOLDING A FISH AND YOU COULD NOT TECHNICALLY SEE HIS WILLY. SO A LITTLE LATER IN THE DAY, I FULL ON CUPPED THE JUNK OF ANOTHER STATUE ON OUR WAY OUT. AND DON'T WORRY. THERE'S PICTURES.
4.    Touch something you're not supposed to...like a famous painting, or the POPE! And when you get yelled at, blame it on being a dumb American. They'll buy that. Not because I think you're dumb but foreigners hate Americans, according to a lot of movies and Gilmore Girls episodes. AS MENTIONED IN ROME, I FINGERED THE POPE'S CRACK AND LOOKED THROUGH HIS KEYHOLE.
5.    Eat an artichoke. I hate them but allegedly the Jewish sections of Italy have the best artichokes ever. And since you're eating all healthy, you might want an artichoke. Although I'm pretty sure they're deep fried. If you can't get on board for the artichoke, eat a stuffed squash blossom. I'm trying to remember things Rachael Ray did in Italy. Yep. That's my reference. I HAVE LOOKED ON EVERY MENU I'VE SEEN AND HAVE YET TO SEE A SINGLE ARTICHOKE. I WON'T GIVE UP, THOUGH...
6.    Drinks lots of wine and send me drunk texts at all hours of the day. That's right, I expect you to be drunk at ALL HOURS of the Italian day. DOING THIS. DAILY. I CAN'T TEXT, BUT I AM FULL OF WINE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
7.    Do not sweat about your upcoming scan. In turn, I will not sweat about next week's genetic testing. Who knows when you'll get back to Italy again so you shouldn't waste time worrying about something you really can't control. Plus everything will be fine. I know because I control the Earth. I FAILED HERE. BUT I AM FEELING CALM ONCE AGAIN. TODAY WHEN I THOUGHT ABOAUT THE SCAN WHILE WE WERE IN THE GARDENS, I FELT VERY POSITIVE ABOUT IT.
8.    If your luggage suddenly feels slightly heavier...I'm not saying I crawled inside, but I'm not saying I didn't. Good luck with customs. It should entertain them. I CHECKED. IT WASN'T YOU MAKING MY LUGGAGE HEAVIER. IT'S ALL THE SILLY SOUVENIRS I'VE BEEN BUYING.
9.    If you have the time, send a postcard to Spencer for his postcard collection, of which he has 1 from England. I HAVE SENT MORE THAN ONE ALREADY AND I HAVE ANOTHER IN MY BAG WAITING FOR ME TO FIND A POSTE BOX.
10.    Have the best time EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! SO FAR SO GOOD!
And with that... It's like 8pm. I'm tired. Gonna go read and try to get some ZZZs before tomorrow.
Night night and Xxo, Phoebe

Comments

I just had a good, hearty chuckle! Your updated list was pure awesome! Per usual, I couldn't wait for your post and this one was gold.
Rocko said…
finally catching up on reading here...what a wonderful trip! enjoy enjoy!

P.S. agreed, regardless of the cancer side effects - there is nothing worse than vacastipation.

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