Cleveland Clinic called me today to pre-register me for my PET scan on April 3.  Going through the same list of questions I went through during the same phone call four months ago was weird.  I don't want to say it was creepy, but it wasn't far from it.  As I stood there at work on my cell phone answering the list of questions (date of birth, marital status, address, insurance, place of employment, emergency contact, reason for scan...) I could feel myself back in my mum's rental car last November, driving down Lorain Road, past the Dunkin Donuts and the charter school and answering the same questions and writing my confirmation number in my shiny new cancer notebook - only then I was terrified.  This time it was just deja vu.

I'm not going to lie.  I am still terrified about my upcoming scan.  I realized recently that several people think that because Dr. Flemming was jazzed about my "beautiful" pink cervix, the cancer must be gone and I must be all better.  And it sucks to have to explain to them that this isn't the case.  It sucks to have to tell people again and again that we WON'T KNOW until we get the results of the PET scan next month.

It's weird.  I feel better.  I'm healthier.  Thinner.  But I still look in the mirror and see walking dead.  The circles under my eyes won't go away.  My hair looks awful all the time - bad hair days are now EVERY day.  The other day a coworker asked me if I was in too big a hurry to put makeup on that morning - but I had makeup on.  I guess it just makes me nervous.  Looking terrible, that is.  If I LOOK sick, does that mean I still AM sick?

I guess what it all comes down to is that I am WAY anxious about this scan.  I try to be tough and say things like "I already know it's gone"... but the truth is, I won't know FOR SURE until that scan is done.  And that is scary and sucky and I hate waiting.  Four more weeks...  and I'll be in Italy for more than half of it.  So I guess things could always be worse.

Xxo, Phoebe


Mum said…
You're anxiety is right on track and is "normal" regarding your upcoming tests. As I've told you about Knitting Dad, about one month before every cancer check, he gets a bit crazy. It takes me awhile to figure out that it's the fear of what "could be" that causes all that anxiety. Each time he gets a good result (6 years now), he's slightly less crazy the next time ... but to be honest, it's normal, it's part of the cancer process, and it will be a part of your life. It's good to share it so your loved ones and co-workers understand the craziness. And keep visualizing that tumor being GONE.

I'll be right there in your deja vu in April, holding tight to your hand, anxious myself, and ready to create POSITIVITY with the news we are given!

Between now and then ... Michaelangelo, Rapheal, Vatican treasures, David, gondolas, cute Italian flirty men, gelatos, opera, wine, Tuscany, red roofs of Florence, photography, church bells, ancient architecture, the Arno, Boticelli, planes, trains, buses and lots of walking!

Love, Mum

Waiting is the pits. The worst of the worst. But we always make things out in our heads to be worse than they reall are. And remember, you've already been knocked down. You won't get knocked down again. I won't allow it.

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