I swear. If I ever get back to just cruising along, nice and normal, without having to go to the doctor for something every week, I will be one happy woman. Don't get me wrong - I am thrilled to be cancer free... but damned if I am not completely and totally frustrated by all of the lingering nonsense that stupid tumor and its treatments left behind.
I AM happy to report, at least, that with very little need to dip into the butt ointment, my rear end is doing MUCH better. All it took was no more baby wipes and no more soap. And I am left with a much happier... everything back there. So a big thanks to Dr. Williams. Hooray!
Yesterday, however, I noticed that the symptoms I was having last week that I thought felt like a urinary tract infection seemed to be back - and with a vengeance. Pain. Nausea. Urgency - generally with no results. I felt horrid most of the day and this morning I decided it was time to deal with it and called up my PCP, Dr. Raj - whom I love. They squeaked me in mid-day, and while the quickie test they do there showed no infection, she said she'd rather treat me for it and send it to the lab for a culture, just to be sure (and hopefully help the symptoms if it IS a UTI). Also rockin' the AZO and cranberry, which make for some magically red/orange pee.
It's just so frustrating. I am CURED! I want to feel better! Not terrible. I want to NOT go to the doctor. I want to not WORRY about every little thing. I want to enjoy new online cancer friends instead of being terrified by their posts about re-occurrences and dead friends. I just want to be normal again...
And I know I can't be. Never will be. Not the normal I remember, anyhow. And, I mean, overall that's ok (kinda has to be, doesn't it?). It's just harder some days and with certain things than it is on/with others. Lately, I've had an amazing number of good days. So I shouldn't complain about one bad one. Not that loudly, anyhow...
Xxo, Phoebe
Monday, April 30, 2012
Italy Photos, Part 13
Some of my favorites from the trip coming up here... I just LOVED Tuscany. Most of these were out the window of a moving bus, so don't judge too harshly!
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| Tuscany |
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| I would live here. Seriously. |
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| Although here would be better... |
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| Seriously?! Views like this exist?! |
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| This looks like a good place to live, too. |
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| I dream of a yellow house... |
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| It could not have been a more gorgeous day for our trip. |
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| More from the bus window. |
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| Vineyards. |
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| Olive trees. |
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| More vineyards - probably Chianti. |
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| Why doesn't the countryside around Cleveland look like this? |
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| San Gimigniano in the distance. |
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| The vineyards at Fattoria Poggio Alloro. |
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| View from Fattoria Poggio Alloro. |
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| Olive leaves. |
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| View from Fattoria Poggio Alloro. |
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| Inside the barn at Fattoria Poggio Alloro. |
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| Look at that BROOM!! |
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| These cows had blue tongues. One of them licked me with theirs. |
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| Pretty... |
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| Another view from Fattoria Poggio Alloro. |
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| Another view from Fattoria Poggio Alloro. |
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| Another view from Fattoria Poggio Alloro. |
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| More vineyards. |
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| On the way to San Gimigniano from the farm. |
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| On the way to San Gimigniano from the farm. |
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| On the way to San Gimigniano from the farm. |
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Italy Photos, Part 12
And now we begin my favorite section of photos... our day trip through Tuscany!!!
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| Yeah - I forget where this was. I think it was a monastery? |
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| I want this to be my view... |
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| Sheeps! |
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| World's first bank in Siena. |
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| Creepy heads!!! |
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| Siena. |
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| Leftovers from a celebration in the square. |
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| Amazing little alleyways in the small towns! |
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| Excellent old sign! |
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| Another perfect Italian door. |
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| Siena. |
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| So good. |
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| Siena Duomo. |
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| Siena Duomo. |
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| Siena Duomo. |
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| The floor in the Siena Duomo. Love! |
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| I LOVED this little creeperton. He was small and so weird! |
Friday, April 27, 2012
Cancer Made My Marriage Even BETTER?!
Someone recently told me that while they were dealing with their cancer diagnosis, their spouse actually wanted to leave them. Couldn't deal or whatever...
It made me sad because it also made me really GET that since my cancer diagnosis, my relationships with pretty much EVERYONE I really care about have gotten stronger, better, more awesome... especially with my husband.
I always felt that despite how different Ryan and I can be emotionally, that since the very beginning we have had a pretty spectacular relationship. There was never any fear of him being sketchy out on tour, whereas people I dated in the past - I worried about them being sketchy while out at lunch! We managed to figure out the importance of communication early on and almost never had a disagreement that we'd let stew for more than a few hours, tops. And I never had any doubt, despite how Asperger-y he sometimes seemed, that he really and truly cared about me in a way that no other man ever had. Even my oldest friend, Daniela, one summer in St. Louis when my visit to her coincided with his tour schedule and aswe pulled up to the venue to meet him - he reacted in a way that only a best friend could see meant "This dude SO loves you." She saw it and teased me about how effing cute it was.
And then I got cancer. And he started this blog. And suddenly EVERYONE saw it. Lie REALLY saw it. Including me. I saw it in ways no one else did, too. And I am STILL blown away by everything he did, everything he said, every little way he tried to help or to "fix" me, insofar as he could.
He has always amazed me. But through all we went through together this past year, he has truly blown my mind.
I completely feel that our relationship has gotten so much better, our bond so much stronger, our commitment to each other and to living an amazing life as an amazing couple so much deeper! He really is the man of my dreams. I knew it the day I met him, and I know it more than ever now.
I love you, Ryan. Thank you. I would never have made it through my treatments, my diagnosis, or the year leading up to it without you. You have always amazed me and your new positivity, hopefulness and willingness to be open to all the good in life... it is more than I could have ever hoped for.
Xxo, Phoebe
It made me sad because it also made me really GET that since my cancer diagnosis, my relationships with pretty much EVERYONE I really care about have gotten stronger, better, more awesome... especially with my husband.
I always felt that despite how different Ryan and I can be emotionally, that since the very beginning we have had a pretty spectacular relationship. There was never any fear of him being sketchy out on tour, whereas people I dated in the past - I worried about them being sketchy while out at lunch! We managed to figure out the importance of communication early on and almost never had a disagreement that we'd let stew for more than a few hours, tops. And I never had any doubt, despite how Asperger-y he sometimes seemed, that he really and truly cared about me in a way that no other man ever had. Even my oldest friend, Daniela, one summer in St. Louis when my visit to her coincided with his tour schedule and aswe pulled up to the venue to meet him - he reacted in a way that only a best friend could see meant "This dude SO loves you." She saw it and teased me about how effing cute it was.
And then I got cancer. And he started this blog. And suddenly EVERYONE saw it. Lie REALLY saw it. Including me. I saw it in ways no one else did, too. And I am STILL blown away by everything he did, everything he said, every little way he tried to help or to "fix" me, insofar as he could.
He has always amazed me. But through all we went through together this past year, he has truly blown my mind.
I completely feel that our relationship has gotten so much better, our bond so much stronger, our commitment to each other and to living an amazing life as an amazing couple so much deeper! He really is the man of my dreams. I knew it the day I met him, and I know it more than ever now.
I love you, Ryan. Thank you. I would never have made it through my treatments, my diagnosis, or the year leading up to it without you. You have always amazed me and your new positivity, hopefulness and willingness to be open to all the good in life... it is more than I could have ever hoped for.
Xxo, Phoebe
Thursday, April 26, 2012
On Not Connecting and Also, Connecting.
So. I think I mentioned in a previous post (or maybe I didn't - I'm a little "off" in the brain category these days) that last night I was planning to attend an event down in Akron put on by stupidcancer.org - the "I'm Too Young For This" cancer organization for folks in their 20s and 30s. A group that totally seems like it would be the group for me, right? I was nervous about going alone, though, and so a long-time internet friend whom I seldom see in person and who lives in Akron offered to be my date for the evening. Yay for Jessica!
Now, I don't want to outwardly slam anything, so I will try to be diplomatic about this...
First of all, the event was at "Ripper Owens Tap House". Do you know who Ripper Owens is? Because I didn't. Apparently he used to be in the metal band Judas Priest. So, basically, this place was a sad aging metal guy bar with kind of a sports bar thing going on as well. Neither of these things is "me" to say the least. I walked in and went directly to the bar to grab myself a drink. "Maker's on the rocks, please?" The bleach-blonde meth-addict lookin' bartender slowly looked around and then replied "We're out." No offer of "Would you like something else?" or even a suggestion of other bourbons they may NOT be out of... so I wander away, toward the room in front of the tiny "stage" where a handful of people are milling about awkwardly.
My assumption is that the dude in the Stupid Cancer shirt must be the man in charge based on his attire AND the fact that he was standing in front of a table that had piles of pamphlets, stickers and free pens on it. I walk over and attempt to say hello, I drove down from Cleveland for this, yadda yadda. Barely any attempt to respond. I mean, he responded, but not in a way that left an opening for me to continue the conversation. So I awkwardly introduced myself, and he introduced himself back and then again... awkward silence. Uh, ok...
I go sit down to wait for Jessica to arrive. She is supposed to be there in 10 minutes. Five minutes later, I am waiting for her in the parking lot because some music has started to happen and it's loud and not terribly good and I just want to run and hide.
SO basically, I went to an event for "people like me," made/felt no connection whatsoever, and sneaked out the back door to go get a grilled cheese and some bourbon with a friend I never really see - a friend who is more "like me" (despite never having had cancer) than anyone at that bar could ever have been. And I ended up having an awesome time. (And an awesome brownie for dessert!)
On my way home, I called my friend, Mallorie and gave her all the sad details of my failed excursion to the rubber city. She said that I definitely needed to write about my experiences with "other survivors" and how empty and useless they have been... for me, I mean. I'm sure that ALL of these things work for some people - but thus far NOTHING I have been to has worked for me.
Maybe I'm just not a "joiner" or maybe I just need more organization and structure or an OBVIOUS game plan... or maybe it's just that everyone's experience, no matter how similar on a cellular level, is completely different based on who they are, the experiences they've had prior to their diagnoses, and who they choose to be because of (or in spite of) their diagnoses.
From the very beginning, who I chose to be was "Well, we're going to beat this thing so you tell me what I need to do to do that and I will do it." I chose winning. I chose living. I chose grace under pressure. I chose PMA. I chose openness and sharing and being real. And I chose kicking ass and becoming the best version of myself I could be - the person I always wished I was but never realized I could be. That is what I chose and that is WHY, I am certain, I am sitting here just half a year later, cancer free.
SO where are all of the other "MEs" out there, sassing their stupid cancer cells into a quivering submission? Where are the hilarious broads who got their diagnoses, freaked their shit, and then embarked on an ass-kicking excursion (I refuse to say "journey" - it's too kumbaya sounding...) peppered with humor, positivity, and awesomeness?
Well, maybe the reason I couldn't find her was that she spells it "humour" like a silly Limey!
Yeah. I FINALLY found someone else out there. Another "me" girl. And I already adore her. Mallorie posted a link on my facebook to this woman's blog, and I read the post she sent me and then went back and read the entire blog! Her name is Emily and this is her blog:
Now, I don't want to outwardly slam anything, so I will try to be diplomatic about this...
First of all, the event was at "Ripper Owens Tap House". Do you know who Ripper Owens is? Because I didn't. Apparently he used to be in the metal band Judas Priest. So, basically, this place was a sad aging metal guy bar with kind of a sports bar thing going on as well. Neither of these things is "me" to say the least. I walked in and went directly to the bar to grab myself a drink. "Maker's on the rocks, please?" The bleach-blonde meth-addict lookin' bartender slowly looked around and then replied "We're out." No offer of "Would you like something else?" or even a suggestion of other bourbons they may NOT be out of... so I wander away, toward the room in front of the tiny "stage" where a handful of people are milling about awkwardly.
My assumption is that the dude in the Stupid Cancer shirt must be the man in charge based on his attire AND the fact that he was standing in front of a table that had piles of pamphlets, stickers and free pens on it. I walk over and attempt to say hello, I drove down from Cleveland for this, yadda yadda. Barely any attempt to respond. I mean, he responded, but not in a way that left an opening for me to continue the conversation. So I awkwardly introduced myself, and he introduced himself back and then again... awkward silence. Uh, ok...
I go sit down to wait for Jessica to arrive. She is supposed to be there in 10 minutes. Five minutes later, I am waiting for her in the parking lot because some music has started to happen and it's loud and not terribly good and I just want to run and hide.
SO basically, I went to an event for "people like me," made/felt no connection whatsoever, and sneaked out the back door to go get a grilled cheese and some bourbon with a friend I never really see - a friend who is more "like me" (despite never having had cancer) than anyone at that bar could ever have been. And I ended up having an awesome time. (And an awesome brownie for dessert!)
On my way home, I called my friend, Mallorie and gave her all the sad details of my failed excursion to the rubber city. She said that I definitely needed to write about my experiences with "other survivors" and how empty and useless they have been... for me, I mean. I'm sure that ALL of these things work for some people - but thus far NOTHING I have been to has worked for me.
Maybe I'm just not a "joiner" or maybe I just need more organization and structure or an OBVIOUS game plan... or maybe it's just that everyone's experience, no matter how similar on a cellular level, is completely different based on who they are, the experiences they've had prior to their diagnoses, and who they choose to be because of (or in spite of) their diagnoses.
From the very beginning, who I chose to be was "Well, we're going to beat this thing so you tell me what I need to do to do that and I will do it." I chose winning. I chose living. I chose grace under pressure. I chose PMA. I chose openness and sharing and being real. And I chose kicking ass and becoming the best version of myself I could be - the person I always wished I was but never realized I could be. That is what I chose and that is WHY, I am certain, I am sitting here just half a year later, cancer free.
SO where are all of the other "MEs" out there, sassing their stupid cancer cells into a quivering submission? Where are the hilarious broads who got their diagnoses, freaked their shit, and then embarked on an ass-kicking excursion (I refuse to say "journey" - it's too kumbaya sounding...) peppered with humor, positivity, and awesomeness?
Well, maybe the reason I couldn't find her was that she spells it "humour" like a silly Limey!
Yeah. I FINALLY found someone else out there. Another "me" girl. And I already adore her. Mallorie posted a link on my facebook to this woman's blog, and I read the post she sent me and then went back and read the entire blog! Her name is Emily and this is her blog:
I insist that you go read it immediately. She only started recently, so it won't take you long to get caught up. But friends? She is just the coolest. And if you've enjoyed my blog on any level, then I promise you will enjoy hers, too. She's inspiring and funny and beautiful and strong and I am both in awe and just goofily psyched to FINALLY feel like I made a connection out there in the cancer survivors world! Sure, she's in London, so it's not like we're getting together for coffee (or tea and scones) any time soon, but the point is - I finally, just through the blogosphere, feel like I made a goddamned connection!
Hoo-fucking-ray!!! I definitely plan to keep in touch with her and follow her blog. And honestly, that is really way more my speed than some strange, awkward, seemingly unorganized shin-dig at a creepy heavy metal sports bar. So kick ass!!
Oh, and connecting more with Jessica last night, too, was amazing. We were both like, "Uh, WHY don't we hang out, like, all the time?" So that's on the table for the future as well. More time with good and awesome people. Hell yes.
Xxo, Phoebe
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Italy Photos, Part 11
Are you getting sick of these yet? Because we're like... maaaaaaybe halfway through them.
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| Lens flare! |
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| View of... somewhere awesome from the Boboli Gardens. |
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| Couldn't tell if this statue's plants were real, or made of gold. |
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| WHY? Why do they do this to their trees?! |
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| More tree destruction. So bizarre. |
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| Really big head - Boboli Gardens. |
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| More good doors! |
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| Even blurry, the hills outside of Florence look lovely! |
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| I miss these shoes. I killed them in Italy. |
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| This statue's hand, the way he's holding the other one's hand... it reminded me of Ryan. <3 |
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| Pretty lady. |
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| I want to make pretty pebble stars on my yard. |
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| And speaking of pretty... |
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| My first "grope a statue for Lacey" attempt was vetoed by my mother because the junk was hidden behind that big-ass fish. |
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| Even dirty pigeons in Italy seem prettier. |
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| A more thorough statue-groping for Lacey. |
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| So adorable. Every facade is just more precious than the last. |
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