So Many Babies

I am trying to figure out how many of my close friends have new-ish babies and/or babies on the way right now.  And all I can come up with is... a lot.  That's how many.  A friggin' lot.

The fact that I am thinking about this at all is strange and new.  Until pretty damned recently, I could have cared less about any human being under the age of, say, oh... twenty or so.  Kids?  Zero interest.  And don't even get me started on my previous feelings about babies.  Suffice it to say that I was NEVER a fan - not even as a child myself.  Just didn't have that maternal gene, I guess.  Never had any desire to have a child of my own or even to be around anyone else's.

That changed slightly and slowly as more and more of my amazing friends had amazing kids.  When Steve had Maverick six years ago, I HELD my first baby.  And when Lacey had Spencer, I fell head over heels in love with my first baby.  And now she's pregnant again.  And so is Jess.  And Michelle.  And and and...

I literally feel like I am surrounded by baby bumps.  And for the first time in my life, this makes me feel a little sad.  A strange longing.  An unexpected emptiness.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

I never wanted kids.  I didn't care that no one ever talked to me about seeing a fertility counselor until I was sitting there with my first chemotherapy needle pumping poison into my veins.  And I am not leading up to saying that I suddenly DO want babies.  But I AM saying that something about having that option no longer be available to me is surprisingly heartbreaking when I see so many happy expectant mothers wherever I look.  I find myself wondering what it would have been like to grow a life inside my belly.  Wondering what names we would have considered.  Wondering if I'd have ended up being a good mom, despite my previous child-aversion.

I was no prepared to have thoughts like this.

Love love love, Phoebe

Comments

You would've been an excellent mother, I'm sure of it. I'm sorry that you're feeling bummed out. Do you need me to rent out my uterus? I would happily do so...for you.

xo
phoebe marie said…
I love you, Lacey. Thank you. If I was actually certain that I wanted to give the mom thing a go, I would TOTALLY want to rent out your uterus. Good stuff comes outta that place. (That sounded unintentionally gross...)
Michelle Auer said…
There are a lot of prego ladies around right now. Four in my office alone and we are all due within 3 weeks of one another!
1- I do know if you ever decide to be a mom, you would be a great mom, because you are awesome and good at pretty much everything you do.
2- Pregnancy is overrated. I am excited about this baby, but I keep joking that I have a body built for adoption! I do not enjoy the pregnant part, only the baby as the end result. If I could afford to rent a womb, I totally would! ;-)
3- I have another close friend who had a medical issue the exact same time as you, and the same feeling about not ever wanting babies as you, and she had to get a hysto as a result of her medical issue and is now feeling the same way you are expressing now. No one likes to have choice taken from them. It sucks. I'm planning on getting my tubes tied after this boy comes out, and even with that, even though I KNOW I'm done, I'm having these weird almost regret type feelings already. Like "what if I change my mind?" but I know I won't. I think it is just the loss of choice that is really scaring me, even though I've already made that choice, I want to keep the option to change my mind. The curse of the independent thinker. We don't like to be told we can't.

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