Happiness and Sadness

Today was one of my best friends, Jessica's, baby shower.  I was nervous about it because the last baby shower I attended was Lacey's - for my buddy, Spencer.  At Lacey's shower last summer was when I first REALLY let myself wonder for the very first time if whatever was causing all of my bleeding was something that was going to make it impossible for me to ever change my mind about having a child of my own one day.  As we know, the answer to that question turned out to be "yes"... so I was definitely a little tense about going to Jess's celebration today.  Especially when I felt myself getting reeeeeally weepy over the picture of a tiny newborn on the pack of diapers I bought to give to her while I was shower-shopping at Target yesterday.    "This is something I will never experience" was the thought that went through my head as I looked at the tiny baby feet on the diaper packaging and tried not to cry.  It's so strange to be feeling this way...

And as I continue to figure out how to mourn the child I will never be able to have, I can't help but feel like the universe keeps flipping me off and/or laughing at me as I keep finding out more and more people I know are pregnant.  I learned about another I was unaware of while at the shower today!  And while I am SO happy for my friends who are all having babies babies babies, it is rather difficult not to really know how I am supposed to deal with my own inability to do what they are all doing.  It's hard not to feel defective.  Withered up.  Empty.  Barren.  It's hard to figure out how to deal with these feelings - with the sadness that is so unexpected considering I have never WANTED children.

And I don't mean to wrap up my sadness in the same warm-fuzzy bundles as so many of my friends' happy moments.  I do not resent them or their fertility.  It's just hard to separate it all when I am alone AFTER the fact.  When I am with my pregnant friends, I just see them and how glowy and happy they are, and my own issues don't even enter my mind, thankfully.  It's once I get home and am alone and find myself thinking about that day... that first day of chemo when they told me they fucked up and never talked to me about fertility.  That's when I get sad.  That's when I wonder stupid things like, "Could I sue the Cleveland Clinic or make them pay for an adoption if I decided I wanted to do that?"  Stupid thoughts...

Anyhow.  Luckily I did not feel sad at all during Jess's shower.  It was fun and cute and she is so adorable!  I spent a long time talking to my ex-husband's wife, who is also friends with Jess and whom I just love!  (Why do people find this so weird??)  AND one of Jess's coworkers that I met at her birthday party a year ago last spring told me she did not even recognize me, I have lost so much weight since then!  So that felt pretty fantastic.  All in all it was a great time.  I cannot wait to meet "Baby Beeps," as I am calling Jess's daughter-to-be.  I keep crossing my fingers that MAYBE she'll name her Phoebe... but I think that even though it's on the "maybe" list, there may be some others a little higher up.  Hehe.

As for this feeling that everyone around me is pregnant... I am hoping that the sting of that wears off or that my sensitivity to it lessens somewhat.  I'm sure it will someday.  And if I look at this in a positive light, what it really means is that I will soon be SURROUNDED by babies.  Babies that I can hold and love and spoil... and then give back when they puke and poop and cry and stuff.  So maybe it is actually a really PERFECT situation...

Yeah.  That's what I'm going to tell myself.  Yeah...

Xxo, Phoebe (Auntie Beeps)

Comments

In a slightly different way, I know what you're going through. After we had Spencer (who is PERFECT but as you know was born with some issues we didn't expect), I thought the universe was flipping me off. There were people EVERYWHERE with healthy babies who probably won't face many challenges in their lives and I felt so very, very mad at the world. When you have something going on in your life, it's EVERYWHERE which is so cruel. So I do know where you're coming from and I wish it would make it easier for you.

Maybe it's just me but I don't think it would hurt to talk to a lawyer. You shouldn't have been rushed into treatment without having your eggos harvested just in case. But that's my opinion. And on the flip side, there are plenty of ways to become a mom without giving birth, you know this.

And again, in my opinion, I think you'd be a fantastic mom if you wanted to be one. And don't feel bad at all for feeling bad. It doesn't make you a monster because weeing your pregnant friends stirs up your emotions. It makes you human. It doesn't mean you want to take away from anyone else.
Jessica said…
beeps!

your support thru out our friendship has meant so much to me and I only hope I can give it in return. I was so worried about telling you I was pregnant because I found out about the same time you started your treatments and I wanted to be sensitive to what was going on. I can't believe they didn't talk to you about fertility options sooner, that seems fucked up. I know you didn't want kids before and I understand how taking that option off the table has got to make you feel.. shitty. I know you are happy for me and the rest of your friends who are pregnant, but I also understand that you are feeling a real loss and sadness and I'm really glad that you are being real about that because that is some shit to deal with. I know that whatever any of us can do to help, we will. even if its just being there for you, or telling you how much we miss the freedoms that you still get to enjoy!

you are a great friend, a beautiful person and your strength has shined so bright. of anyone that's had to go thru what you've been thru, you're the one that said, fuck this cancer, I'm gonna kick its ass. and you have! you would be an awesome mom, you have so much to give and you're giving so much by your openness in this blog, by the good person you are, by the way you live your life.

I can't wait for little beeps to meet her auntie phoebe! and just so you know, your name is still in the running :)

love love love, mama beeps
Jessica said…
and!

thanks for coming to the shower. it means a lot to me that you came, even though it was hard for you. you're the bestest friend :) and an AWESOME gift giver!!!

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