Treatments? Done... Now what???

Tuesday was, as I posted, my final brachytherapy.  I am officially DONE with my cancer treatments.

And now.  Now I'm friggin' terrified.

During the treatments, I had a goal.  I felt like I was contributing to kicking the tumor's ugly ass right outta there.  I got up every day, and no matter how busted I felt, I went to chemo, I went to radiation, I went to brachy.  And now... now I do nothing.  I wait.  And god help me... I THINK.

As of right now, I have NO idea WHEN I will find out if everything we've done, you know, WORKED.  I have "follow-up" appointments scheduled over the next two weeks with Dr. Kebria and Dr. Mastrioanni. But I don't know if either of them will tell me what's next?  How long?  Did it work?  Yadda yadda.  And I'm scared.  And I hate it.

I know we have to wait a certain amount of time until they CAN re-scan me to see if it's gone or dead or whatever.  But I don't know how long that is.  And I'm depressed about not knowing.  And about my parents getting ready to head back home to Colorado.  And about this bleepity-bleeping fatigue and foggy-brain.  I feel like my body can't do anything that my brain thinks I can, and also feel like I can barely come up with the right words to express anything that is going through my head - like, when words DO come out of my mouth, they're all wrong.  I even managed to hurt and offend my incredible husband last night by trying to get a really basic, non-offensive point across by accidentally phrasing something like two measly sentences completely horribly.

I feel like an idiot and a spaz.  Mentally and physically crippled.  My mum said yesterday that I need to just choose to be ok with the fatigue and the brain-fog until they go away.  Just choose to accept it.  But that is SO difficult.  I want to DO things.  I want normal back.

I know it'll come.  I know I'll get there.  I think this waiting period of unknown length is just going to be hard.  Maybe at my appointment next Thursday Dr. Kebria will give me a better timeline.  A date to look forward to. Some sort of "end in sight" situation.

Til then, despite my struggles, I am still remaining positive.  Still smiling as much as I can.  Still enjoying silly little things.  This whole process has been a nightmare, but it has also been an incredible wake-up call to just how wonderful my life, my job, my family, my friends, and more than anything - my husband - are.

I'm terrified.  But I am filled with gratitude and with love.  And most of all, with hope.

Xxo, Phoebe


Carol Schoooolane said…
Saying "congratulations" about finishing treatments sound kind of dumb, but I can't think of any other word right now! I can't imagine how frustrating the spot you are in right now is - to go from having a plan, and having actions to take, and timelines and deadlines... then bammo, that's over. I would think it feels like working without a net.
One thing that Tom told me, over and and over and every single stinkin' time I needed to hear it, when things were extra shitty in 2010 - When I'd find myself getting frustrated and stressed out, he'd tell me to stop, and think through if there was anything I could realistically do at that very moment to change the situation. If not, then let it go. Yes, easier said than done but I would feel better when I took the time to think about it.

I don't know, maybe it helps, maybe not. I am very, very proud of you though. And SO glad your treatments are over. I love you!
RT said…
Hang in there Pheobers - I have nothing more profound to say than what an inspiration you are to more people than I know how to count! Ryan that goes for you too :)
Rob T 7/27 :P
jim nelson said…
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting that hardship is the pathway to peace....... Sweetheart - You have the courage and the wisdom, and God knows you know about the hardships! The serenity and peace WILL come. I love you....daddy jim
r'n'r-RN said…
hurry up and wait!
that is what my patients say, hehe.
I am excited for you.

the brain fog will pass. i know in your mind you are ready to jump up and kick more ass, but it's like you said before...listen to your body and rest as much as you can. read a good book, right? remember that you are healing now, and that takes time.
the people who love you, and esp. your hubby, well, they all understand (or should) that fatigue can really mess up how you think, what you say, and how you say it. but you mean well! you don't mean to offend.
i can relate to the fatigue thing and things NEVER coming out how they were supposed to. that was me all 2010 when i was up 36 hours at a time, twice a week for work and with Graeme in between shifts. no sleep, no sanity!
spoil yourself with as much lazy time as you can! your body will thank you later.
say hi to lake erie for me, and tell her i miss the gentle lapping of the waves.
Anonymous said…
it's normal and okay to have a fight now and then with the wonderful husband... he will forgive you, and he's been right there with you through all of this shit- a fight was bound to happen and i wouldn't expect it to be the last.
you will feel better, but like they say, there will be a new normal because for the rest of your life you'll be the person who made it through this- and this won't be the hardest thing in your life, i'm sad to say. maybe the hardest so far, but the longer we live, the more hard things we have to go through... but each and every thing gives us perspective from which to view the others.
for now, you might google after-chemo-brachy-cleanses, or something like that, to see what else you might be doing to help the healing. ask your naturopath; she probably know some stuff but do your own research too.
this being said, i want to know WHY you have to wait to be scanned or scoped or whatever? if it's just 'cause they're busy, well, get all sex and the city on 'em and tell them you'll give them nekkid pictures of ryan or something because too busy to look at your renewed cervix is bull shit!
would it help if you knew who was saying this? perhaps i feel more free being anonymous? i dunno, i know i'm a chicken shit for sure but i know me- i'd be bugging the crap outta every body i could because why should you have to wait for the answers to your questions? i can't believe they haven't looked up there once since you started treatments; it's not like it's that hard for a doc to get a look at a cervix! hell, have ryan look with a flashlight and a dental mirror or something! ok i'm starting to get silly but i am sure i've made my points: it's ALL MAD LOVE FOR PHOEBE!!!!!!!xoxxoxoxXXXXOOO0000000oooooOOOO
okay, good night my love, i hope you sleep well tonight!

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