Well, That Was Unexpected

So, I'm back from my appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Kebria.  I go every three months, now, for a pelvic exam and PAP smear, as I'm sure I've mentioned.

Started by asking him about the pain in my hands and whether or not that could still be neuropathy pain from the chemo.  He thinks it's probably more like carpal tunnel or something and was going to give me a referral to an orthopedist, but I guess I forgot to grab that when we left.  This is likely because, as he was doing the exam, he says "I'm going to have to take a small biopsy."

I'm sorry, WHAT?!  A biopsy?  NO!  That can't be right.  I feel fine.  I'm healthy.  I'm happy.  I'm awesome.  I'm supposed to be worrying about Big Jay, bit about me!  No. No. NO.

Actually, as my mouth responded, "Ok," my brain immediately went to the chair to my right where Ryan was sitting.  The terror he feels every time we go to the Moll Center I am assuming now seems completely justified to him.  He is pale.  His brow is furrowed.  Fuck.  He was all I could think about.  In my heart, I am fine, but I know that the last thing I want is for Ryan to have to go through the stress of worrying about me again.

Dr. Kebria went on to say that it was likely just scar tissue in my vagina from the radiation.  But he wanted to be sure.  Which I am grateful for.  I really love Dr. Kebria.  When I mentioned that my blog was at nearly 30,000 hits, he said I should start accepting advertisers.  Hehehe.  He's awesome.

And the fact that he is awesome is part of why I really do not feel worried.  Ryan is.  And I hate that.  I feel guilty because he's worried about me.  He feels guilty because he doesn't want to stress me out.  We're ridiculous.  And clearly, we love each other very much.

The biopsy results can take 1 to 2 WEEKS to come back.  Ugh.  So we wait.  Two weeks would put us right at the anniversary of my first biopsy.  Ha.  Regardless, plans for the 1 Year Cancerversary Party are vaguely underway.  And aside from the waiting, which will no doubt SUCK, I feel completely unafraid.  No matter what, I am going to be fine.  Always.  Every time.  Through anything.  Or (hopefully) through a couple weeks of waiting for nothing but good news.

If you want to keep me in your thoughts, prayers, etc., though - that'd be ok.  And Ryan, too.  He needs it more than anyone.  He also needs an awesome job, if anyone wants to hire him.  He'd be less stressed if he had that more under control.

Thanks for hangin on through all this with me.  Love love,


I'm positive it's just scar tissue. I refuse to be let it be anything else. And I control vaginas. I AM Nurse Vagtastic,!after all.
Daniela said…
I have had a sucktastic day & the universe would not add to that. Therefore, you are fine and your doctor is just very careful. And I am thankful for that -- careful doctors are good.

You, however, are AWESOME.
Mum said…
Ryan, I'm right there feeling your pain ... the fears, the unknowns, the "Not again!". Even though we all know that it won't help a thing to worry, we just can't stop it from being there. So please, all of Phoebe's friends, add a few thoughts and prayers for Phoebe's Mum, too! And I'm certainly thinking positive thoughts for both of you. My brain knows that you'll be fine, but my heart aches for what you have to go through to get there. Thanks, Dr. Kebria and Erin for taking such good care of my baby girl. Thanks Phoebe and Ryan's friends for being there for them. Thanks, Ryan for loving my daughter. Thanks, Phoebe, for being in my life.
Lisa said…
When is the party?!

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