Keeping the faith.

I'm really trying to...

I have to keep telling myself that if these side effects are kicking my ass so brutally, then the treatment itself MUST be bashing the living hell out of the cancer.  God, I fucking hope it is.  It better be.

Here's where I am today: swollen, cracking skin in places you really don't want to have swollen, cracking skin. Round two of blisters on top of blisters in that un-named 'legpit' area - these are so horrid that just the act of walking makes the blisters pop (very painful) and seep, and the resulting moisture seems to make MORE blisters happen. And more pain. And more, just, YUCK.  And then, on top of all that, I literally screamed and cried in pain just from going to the bathroom.  I'm not normally a screamer - it was almost frightening to hear the sounds coming out of my own mouth.  Again, I had to shower after because I could not cope with the pain of wiping my own butt.  Sobbed through the entire thing.

I'm sure that this is NOT the type of stuff that you all signed up to read, but I can't really apologize.  It's what I'm going through, and I think that in some tiny way, getting it out there helps me cope.  Unlucky for me that I could not have a less horribly located cancer with less grisly side effects.

But it is what it is.  And as miserable as I am (and trust me... I am MISERABLE) I know that each day I'm getting closer.  After today's radiation I only have three more.  I will get through this.

Comments

You WILL get through it. I know it's difficult. Even though Spencer didn't need treatment, it killed me to watch him go through all the appointments and bloodwork and poking and prodding. It's scary. It's emotionally exhausting. But you're tough and you can no doubt get through it. And I feel your pain with the constipation. I dealt with it during pregnancy and it is HORRIFIC. Some of the worst pain I've ever been through. I wish I could help you feel more comfortable. Just keep your chin up and keep counting down your days. The finish line is right around the corner!!
Michelle Auer said…
You are doing great, and writing all the details is good for you! AND I bet it is also going to help someone else out there in the web-o-verse. You know, someday, there will be another scared soul, going through these things, and they may be afraid to admit some of them due to the nature of the area. Reading what you have written, knowing they are not alone, will be a comfort to them. I'm certain of it. So, good for you for being the honest awesome light of a person we have all come to know and love!
Mallorie said…
Hugs hugs hugs! I'm coming over to bring the care package this weekend. I wish I was bringing a magical blister cream. You're almost there!! Loves you!
Cousin Karla said…
Phoebe, Michael and I are SO sorry you're so miserable at this point in the treatment. I'd say chipper stuff about the end being in sight blahblahblah, and this too shall pass, more blahblahblah, and it would all be true. But right now it just sucks, and we're sorry for that. The "hang in there" poster of the kitten dangling from the branch is on its way.

Okay, not! But our wishes for the next week to be the fastest in history are definitely out there somewhere between the Hudson Valley and Cleveland. Get through this and you'll totally win all "I had a bad day" challenges forever forward. And please keep being honest about what you're going through. I'm in awe of you continuing to post throughout the suckitude. Hang in there! ;)

[kidding. Keep fighting.]
jim nelson said…
My sweet child...you're almost there. Soon this will all be a memory. You are a strong, resourceful woman, with an incredible husband and countless others who care about you. My friend, Michal Gerber in his blog www.mgerber.blogspot.com wrote about you and even included a link to your blog. People you have yet to meet are praying and following your every word. Thanks for being the inspiration that you re to soooo many people. Love love love you....dad
Michael said…
I am sure that there is no comparison, but I know what pain is too. For me, some of my pain feels like someone has just put an ice pick into my shoulder blade. OUCH! The one condition that causes me to use expletives! What I always know and remember is that the pain will pass, just as yours will. There is a bright, shiny light at the end of the tunnel...... and it is not a train! We are all rooting, cheering and praying for you. Keep up the great work. Your story is changing our lives and teaching us about gratitude.
Gale said…
Hi, Phoebe. I have some suggestions regarding the constipation issue, if you're interested. And possibly some insight regarding some other stuff. Also, I hear I'm a good listener when people feel like venting.

As an RN, there is nothing you can write or say that will bother me. Text, call or email me if the mood, inclination and energy levels are right. I'm on Facebook, as well.

Remember too that your fierce, fearless (I know it comes and goes, but you are, most of the time, right?), "fuck you, cancer!" attitude will carry you far in this horrific process.

You are amazing, Phoebe. As Michael said, above, you are teaching us all.

Gale Freeman
(561) 547-0555
gale.freeman@gmail.com

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