If I'm not in hell...

...then hell is in me.  In my ass, to be precise.  At least, that would explain the fire going on back there.

Yeah.  Remember when I was bitching up a storm about my "legpits"?  Well that was an effing cakewalk compared to this.  Somehow I guess I thought that once external radiation was done, things would start getting better down below.  Oh, Stupid Phoebe.  How you could not have been more wrong.  Since that much anticipated day a week ago, things in the side-effect area have gotten nothing but a bazillion times worse.  The raw red skin and weeping gray blisters that once tormented me up front have now taken up residence in the crack of my ass.  And, uncomfortable as it may have been in the front, I could at least make some effort to cool off/dry out the legpit blister-thon by laying like a starfish, limbs splayed as wide as possible in every direction with various and sundry pillows propping up this or that.  But you know what?  And this is something I've never really taken the time to consider in the past... there is NO functional way to air out your asscrack. So I spend my days (and nights) with my the raw red parts of the insides of my buttocks rubbing up against each other.  The weepiness of the surrounding blistering combined with standard issue butt sweat slowly stinging the raw skin all day... it's hell.  It burns.  It aches.  And there seem to be no products in existence that can help.

Aside from that, there is this whole fatigue business.  Which is different that just tiredness.  It's friggin' consuming.  There have been days over this past week where I have slept, no exaggeration, more than 20 hours a day.  (Then there are other days where the pain and discomfort are so horrid that I only sleep 3 or 4 hours, so I guess it evens out...)  Walking downstairs to go to the toilet is exhausting.  I can't make a sandwich. I can barely get through a shower.  Part of all that is the pain, too, so it's hard to say which is more difficult.

But it is definitely that.  Difficult.  I had no idea, and I really do feel like nothing any of the healthcare providers told me did anything to prepare me for this.  Which sucks.

I dunno.  I'm pretty much too beat and sore now just from sitting in this chair to write any more... and I have no much more I want to say.  Guess it'll have to wait.

Thank you all for your continued love and support,
Xxo, Phoebe


Gale said…

Thank you for honoring me with friending me on Facebook. I will respond via email message, due to the sensitivity of this email.

r'n'r-RN said…
now I'm really bummed that I can't be there to help with the nursing type stuff that I could help you with. I know you are raw, but when my patients are that raw, we do use a zinc based ointment to let the skin heal and keep moisture off the skin. avoid powder! and...I had a patient tell me that the cool setting of the hairdryer worked wonders on the occasional airing out part.
i can't do it now, but dammit, I am making you a sammich next time I see you.
i know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you really are still amazing and super strong.
we are thinking of you every day!
Anonymous said…
i'm here in snowy denver and remembering the many fun things we've shared, how many years is it now? Pretty amazing, considering i've let so many many things slide. You are a constant and continuous presence in my life even though sometimes i suck at showing it or talking about it or telling you how much it means and how lucky you make me feel to have yo in my life. Know that i am looking forward to more fun in August. You will get fed up with all the hugging and kissing you're gonna get!
More ovenkisses than you've had so far put together!

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