Because I don't know where else to have this little breakdown...
There is really nothing about being an AGING young adult cancer survivor that doesn't 100% suck.
And it's not even something I can get across to anyone I know to ask for advice, because it's all such a strange combination of things that are impossible to understand for someone that hasn't been here...
I now exist in this world of limbo between being stoked to be 5 years out and just having the opportunity to still be ALIVE, and the exhausting, never-ending series of fears that something else could be wrong. As I get older, this only gets harder. I'm almost 42 and on top of the regular stuff that starts to break down in our bodies at this age, I've also been through a lot more shit that's messed me up beyond just the regular decline of a non-athletic, semi-chubby, moderately-healthy-eater in their early 40s. I feel like almost DAILY, I find myself asking the question: Is that pain just general aging biz, or is it more sinister? Which is then followed by a litany of more and more distressing follow-up questions... Do I go to the doctor to get it checked out, or do I wait and see because I already owe the Clinic $2700 for the two regular cancer-related follow-up appointments I've had so far this year and I know what CT Scans cost? Am I just being paranoid thinking that it's even something I SHOULD get checked out, or did I just somehow pull a muscle coughing during this fourth bout of the flu I had this winter? And should I be concerned about that? Is something bad happening that is fucking with my immune system? Or is it just that the flu season here was so brutal this winter and I stopped getting flu shots after one made me sick for a month 6 years ago? I mean, I DO know lots of people who were sick multiple times, so maybe it's not just me. Or is it? And if I DO decide to call the doctor, which one do I call? My GP or my Oncologist? One of my nurses? Maybe even my Urologist or one of the various alternative doctors I have seen? My massage therapist? Reiki practioner? Seriously. I have no idea where to turn. Ever.
And then there's the struggle of what to say to my husband, who suffers from such crippling PTSD since I was sick that I find myself trying to protect him by keeping things from him and essentially going through the back and forth in my head alone. Or what to say to my parents, because I don't want to worry them OR put them in a position where they feel like they have to help me or take care of me again when they've already done SO MUCH.
I want to know where my old "Positively Phoebe" is and how the fuck to get her back. I want things to get easier. I want to stop silently wondering ALL THE TIME if or worse, when something else bad is going to happen. I want easy answers. I want useful guidance.
I want help to exist for people like me. You know. For less than $100 an hour. (Not that I think talk therapy was helpful to me at ALL when I tried it previously for these issues, but you know what I mean.) And while I've had positive experiences with support groups and the like, they're still not really the right answer. Especially during these breakdown type moments. There is nowhere to turn that makes sense to me and I find myself feeling utterly alone and totally helpless.