Today's the Day

I just have to complete my usual morning routine, head to work for a few hours, and then bounce out early to head down to the Young Adult Cancer Retreat.

I've been filled with anxiety over this since I signed up.  I even had a dream about it - and the dream was not good.  The idea of shuffling off to spend a weekend with a bunch of strangers is pretty freakin' scary to me, I'm not gonna lie.  

Yesterday when I got home from work, our neighbor and good friend, Joe, was standing in his driveway.  He asked me if I was going to see a band I really like tonight and I explained that, no, I would be at this retreat.  Much like Ryan, his response was, "Why?!"  He went on to ask if I felt like it was something I needed to do, and the truth is, I really don't know.  I have had nothing but negative experiences when I've tried to connect with other cancer survivors (except for my spotty online connection with Emily of http://killingitblog.com/)  The Stupid Cancer (.org) event I tried to go to in Akron was a disorganized waste.  The Survivorship Class at the Clinic was not geared even remotely toward someone like me.  And the one other person my age-ish with my same cancer that I met turned out to be a negative, self-righteous jesus freak - and even if she wasn't that particular breed of nightmare, she was still not someone I would have wanted to know otherwise.  Not someone I would ever have been friends with without the common thread of cancer.  

I guess the answer to Joe's question is that I really just long to meet one person... just ONE person who has been through what I went through and to whom I could relate even if they hadn't.  Does that make sense?

I have no idea what this weekend will be like.  But hopefully, even if it does not end up providing me with a "cancer friend," it will at least be a nice little getaway.  I've never been a nature girl.  If fact, I once told Ryan's dad that I am "more of an indoor person."  But I am strangely excited about this trip and the hiking and all of that.  Yes, I said hiking.  I even packed my oxblood 10-holes special for the occasion (those are Doc Martens for the non-punk-rock crowd out there).  Totally appropriate hiking footwear.

Anyhow.  Wish me luck.  I gotta go finish packing and head out.  I doubt I will post anything from there, but if I do - it will likely be on Instagram.  Feel free to follow me on there.  I'm @itsphoebemarie

Xxo, Phoebe

Comments

Aunt Nancy said…
Wishing you a great weekend. I hope you do connect with someone. If not, you know you are working towards that goal I heard about an organization that sounds like something that might be interesting to you. I don't know a lot about it but it sounds legit. You might want to check it out.
www.imermansangels.org
I continue to amazed by you and proud of you. Take care.
Aunt Nancy

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