Dear Dudes. Don't be so Dumb. Love, Phoebe

So, I'm feeling completely destroyed right now.  And it makes absolutely no sense at all.  And I am so mad at myself because of it.

At lunch today, one of the shop guys says to me, right as I sit down, "So, when are you going to have some kids?"

I was stunned, and just sort of curtly responded, "I can't."  He clearly felt terrible.  Apologized.  Mumbled something about adoption always being an option.  Then *I* felt bad for making him uncomfortable and explained that I never really wanted kids anyhow.

But as ABSOLUTELY true as that statement was, is, and continues to be, it seems to somehow be completely separate from this pain in my gut that makes my eyes water and my heart catch in my throat.

I fucking HATE that that decision was made for me.  Despite the fact that I never wanted kids.  Never.  Not once in my life do I ever remember feeling differently - not even for a moment.  I have zero interest, and moreso, I have zero resources.

So why?  Why, when I KNOW that I have no interest whatsoever in being a parent, does this stupid, insensitive question ruin my whole day?  Why can I not stop crying or choking back tears at my desk?

Ryan says it's just that it reminds me of something difficult in kind fo a shitty way.  That there's no more psychology to it than that. He's probably right, but I just don't know.  It seems to really mess me up whenever it comes up.

Is it just because it's this constant, obvious, physical reminder that there is something wrong with me?  I know this guy didn't mean anything, but seriously... he hurt me.  And then *I* felt bad for reacting.  And the whole thing just infuriates me.

I don't fucking care if "there's always adoption."  I don't care about adoption.  I don't care about kids.  What I care about is getting the motherfucking choice to NOT have them, the choice that should have been mine to make, taken away from me.  Any you know what?  If I HAD ended up pregnant, I'd have chosen to go directly to the god-damned abortion clinic without passing go.  But it would have been MY CHOICE.  And that would have made it different.

At least, I think it would have.

The worst part of this is the timing.  I have been in such a great mood.  Things are going SO WELL right now.  I love my new job.  Ryan has some amazing super-secret plans brewing that are going to be fucking INCREDIBLE.  As husband and wife, we are in a better place together than we have ever been.  I'm about 1/10 of the way to being caught up financially (doesn't sound like much, but trust me - it's HUGE!).  The weather is gorgeous.  We have friends coming to dinner tonight.  My parents will be here for a LONG visit within the week.  Everything has been so lovely.  I guess maybe I needed to just be knocked down a peg or something?  Like, The Universe was looking at me and went, "Oh, hell no.  We need to take that one down a peg today.  Let's remind her of her cancer and the things it took from her.  That'll be good."

Fucking sucks.

But tonight's dinner with friends will make me feel better.  As will just driving home in the sunshine, walking into my CLEAN house, being greeted by my ridiculous dogs, and getting a hug from my beautiful, perfect husband.

I've still got it pretty good.  And if The Universe wants to fuck with me today, fine.  I've handled a lot worse...

PMA and xxo,


jim nelson said…
My heart aches with you. You WILL get through this. Know that you are LOVED!!! tat dad

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